Monday, December 14, 2009

All Over the Place

Relationship Ramblings...

Many times, I believe that people enter a relationship and forget that they function completely fine without their "other half." Actually, I don't like that term. My boyfriend is not my other half. I am whole by myself. He doesn't complete me. I love him to the core of me and if he ever walked away from me, I'd feel as if he crushed my soul in his palm... but I wouldn't be DESTROYED.

You have to be able to stand on your own.
Have your own security.
Realize your worth.

I've been in relationships that, through the course of the whole thing... I felt worthless. I truly believed that what I was getting, what I was being put through... was what I deserved. I guess I slowly evolved and hardened my shell. You could say that a bad relationship saved me from the worst relationship and helped clear my heart and mind up for my current relationship.

3½ years of hell... a few months of emotional boot camp... then I found The One.

I feel stronger in this relationship than I ever did with anybody else. I feel more cherished, wanted and loved than I ever have. I found a good man with a kind heart. I found a man who can also stand on his own. He's a hard worker. He's focused. He handles his business. When he sees his goal, he follows that path until the end. He has a wonderful personality and has the power to draw people to him. He is a great friend and truly cares about people. Of course, he's nowhere near perfect, but neither am I. Perfection is boring and is not what I'm looking for.

I know for a fact that he'd be fine without me.

That is my point. I came into this relationship knowing my own worth, which is a first. Toward the end of "hell," my now-ex-boyfriend accused me of thinking I was better than him. You know what? I told him I was. I had a job. I took care of my family. I cherished the people I cared about. I handled my business. I was a good person no matter what he did to me, how low he tried to bring me, or how badly he tried to make me think of myself. A little slow in the realization, but I got it eventually.

The second relationship was slightly better than the first. Went into it with my head high because of what I knew then. When that went badly, I was sad, but I walked away without looking back because I deserved better. He agreed to that and we remain friends.

Failed relationships sometimes mess with your self esteem. I felt very different in the months after "boot camp", but not in a negative way. I was happy. I felt that I had become stronger and more myself without somebody smashing me down at every turn. I became more secure with myself. It was an incredible feeling and I still feel it.

I enjoy my relationship because I don't have the insecurities I had when I was younger. I know who I am and what my positives are. I know what I bring to the table and what I'm worth.
I also know my faults and I'm still working on those. I know how to stop and think. I realize when I'm over-analyzing something simple (that was something hard to learn, by the way).

Mostly, I don't take it too seriously. Obviously, I'm serious about being with him, but the relationship itself... I think that life is already stressful enough without analyzing your partner's tone... posture... vague gesture... relationships... texts... random phrases... facial expressions. It'll drive you insane! For example, my boyfriend has many female friends that he's close to (and a few that he used to have crushes on, but I'm not gonna bust him out in case one of them is reading this :P). They hang out, talk, spend time together and it truly doesn't bother me. These people are important to him and are a part of his life. It's that simple to me.

We drew our lines in the beginning. What we'd put up with and what would be crossing the line. Cheating means no second chances. No "breaks," just breaking up. We don't want to hear that the other person needs a break from the relationship. Time alone is different, because sometimes a person just needs space to breath. But a break from the relationship? No.

Where am I going with this?
I'm all over the place.
These are just thoughts rattling around in my head, looking for a place to spew.
There's more, but it's 1:17 am and I'm sleeping.


xphoebelinax said...

i totally agree with you! i've been in so many relationships where i was just so lost when they left me and then i realized, holy crap, i am actually an awesome gf and i deserve an awesome bf to be next to me! after that, all the bums that didn't work out, i didn't even sweat it because i was okay with being by myself after about a week or two :P

great post!

Elisa said...

I know! After a little while, I snapped out of it like, "What the hell am I doing??" lol